This story is all true. Sad, but all true indeed. I'm such a lightweight when it comes to drinking. I used to be able to hold my own, but over the years, the tolerance for booze has dwindled to a slow crawl, followed by a stagger, and then another crawl to the alter to pray to the Porcelain God. Only, my Porcelain God was in a downstairs bar bathroom. Right across from a table full of people. But I'm getting ahead of myself now.
I met my friend and her cousin out after work one evening for a few drinks at a bar my friend works at. My friend also brought a few of her work friends with her, so we had a good group of people out. My friend the bartender, sends us over a round of whatever we want. So the previous week, he had introduced me to this liqueur called Chartreuse. A drink so fine, they named a color after it. Chartreuse is a French liqueur made by the Carthusian Monks since the 1740's. It is distilled with 132 herbal spices and it actually distills while still in the bottle and ages really nicely. The green Chartreuse (the one we'd drink) is 110 proof or 55%. But when mixed properly you don't even taste it. So my friend mixed us all up a couple of Chartreuse Gimlets and we drank them while talking. Mind you, we had all been drinking at a previous bar for a bit, before walking over to my friends place.
After the first round, a couple of the people in the group leave, and some go out to crank a butt. But while they go out, we order Dark & Stormy's for them, and I order another Chartreuse drink. Not really thinking much about the alcohol content, the drink was going down rather nicely. So my friends return and we continue our conversation, mostly about work, and chit-chat. I was hearing some news about the outside world, and events that may or may not have conspired. Their drinks are done, and we order another round. All the same, and one of her friends switches to beer. So here we are, it's only an hour and a half or so in, and I'm 3, 110 proof drinks in, and I'm feeling no pain. My friend, she looks at me and asks if I'm okay, and I said I'm fine, I just need to go pee. Having one kidney, I have to pee a lot when I'm drinking. At the same time, I shouldn't really be drinking at all, but oh well.
Going to the bathroom the first time, I did really only pee, but I was leaning against a wall while going, so I knew the third drink had really done me in. Also, being a little shit, I tagged the stall I was in with Plotkin, using a marker I had for some reason. But I realized it wouldn't last long on the tile. And I pussed out, and made it really small. So it doesn't really count does it? Washed my hands, and walked back out to my friends. My buddy the bartender, asks me if I want another drink. So I order a beer, just to change it up a bit, and figure liqueur before beer, in the clear. So I figured it wouldn't hurt. OH BOY, was I wrong. I couldn't have been worse. One of my friends looks at me after the first sip and I said I'll be right back. I head to the bathroom, and I knew it wasn't going to be pretty. As I'm walking to the bathroom, there is a table of people just across from the bathroom door. So they saw me just a few minutes earlier walking in and out of the bathroom. I see them looking at me with the "why is he going in there again so soon?" look on their faces. So I go into the bathroom. With my mouth watering, and I know I'm about to puke. I don't go anywhere close to the toilet, but raise the seat up with my foot. and proceeded to unleash all 110 proof and ever piece of the 132 herbs that I had poisoned myself with into the toilet. Being neat, and not getting any on the floor or the toilet. I finished puking, and washed my hands, rinsed my mouth out, splashed some water on my sweaty face and returned back to my friends.
On my way out, I see the people at the table give me a dirty look. So I go back to my friends, and they ask me if I'm okay. I let them know I should be fine now. I ask my buddy at the bar for a coke, and he gives me one. No pun intended, as I've never tried it, but it's funny I mention it. So I drink my drink, and I tell my friends I'll be right back. I head towards the bathroom one more time, and this time the table of young ladies are all giving me the eyes. These aren't the "we want to F*ck You" eyes. These are the "What the F*ck is Up with this Guy?" eyes. I know what their thinking, but they really don't know. So I go into the bathroom and I proceed to unload in the bowl again. It's still not a pretty sight. Someone comes in and hears me. Asks if I'm OK, and I tell him, "nothing a little praying won't cure." He laughs and heads out. He didn't wash his hands I thought to myself. Dirty bugger. I finish up, and same thing, wash hands, rinse mouth out with water, and splash water on sweaty face. Dry off, and head out. But by now I'm sure I look like Rick James circa 1982. These girls look totally disgusted now, and I just chuckle. I just want to tell them I'm not doing coke. I'm just getting sick. But I let the charade go on.
I get back to my friends and they tell me I don't look good and ask if I want to leave. So, I said sure. We paid my buddy and left him a little something extra for the effort. On my way out, my bartender friend asks me if I'll be okay, and I let him know I'm done with Chartreuse. I'll see him soon. We head outside, and part our ways. I walked back to my office. Through the Boston Common and the Public Garden. Up the Commonwealth Ave mall back to my office. The fresh air felt good, and it was helping me to sober up a bit. At this point, I knew I couldn't drive home. So I got back to the office, grabbed my things, and took the train back to my stop. Now I didn't realize I wasn't going to be able to catch my normal bus from the train station to my house. So I was stuck having to take a cab the 2.8 miles across town to my house. Little did I realize the cab ride was going to cost me just as much as if I had taken it from Boston. After a round about ride. I told the driver Tommy, that we were going a round about way to get me home. So we finally arrive and the meter reads $24. I was shocked and Gave the guy $25 for the effort and the ass raping.
So that was the night I was introduced to Chartreuse, and I horrified some ladies into thinking I was doing coke in the bathroom.
-Joe Nicholas
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After the first round, a couple of the people in the group leave, and some go out to crank a butt. But while they go out, we order Dark & Stormy's for them, and I order another Chartreuse drink. Not really thinking much about the alcohol content, the drink was going down rather nicely. So my friends return and we continue our conversation, mostly about work, and chit-chat. I was hearing some news about the outside world, and events that may or may not have conspired. Their drinks are done, and we order another round. All the same, and one of her friends switches to beer. So here we are, it's only an hour and a half or so in, and I'm 3, 110 proof drinks in, and I'm feeling no pain. My friend, she looks at me and asks if I'm okay, and I said I'm fine, I just need to go pee. Having one kidney, I have to pee a lot when I'm drinking. At the same time, I shouldn't really be drinking at all, but oh well.
Going to the bathroom the first time, I did really only pee, but I was leaning against a wall while going, so I knew the third drink had really done me in. Also, being a little shit, I tagged the stall I was in with Plotkin, using a marker I had for some reason. But I realized it wouldn't last long on the tile. And I pussed out, and made it really small. So it doesn't really count does it? Washed my hands, and walked back out to my friends. My buddy the bartender, asks me if I want another drink. So I order a beer, just to change it up a bit, and figure liqueur before beer, in the clear. So I figured it wouldn't hurt. OH BOY, was I wrong. I couldn't have been worse. One of my friends looks at me after the first sip and I said I'll be right back. I head to the bathroom, and I knew it wasn't going to be pretty. As I'm walking to the bathroom, there is a table of people just across from the bathroom door. So they saw me just a few minutes earlier walking in and out of the bathroom. I see them looking at me with the "why is he going in there again so soon?" look on their faces. So I go into the bathroom. With my mouth watering, and I know I'm about to puke. I don't go anywhere close to the toilet, but raise the seat up with my foot. and proceeded to unleash all 110 proof and ever piece of the 132 herbs that I had poisoned myself with into the toilet. Being neat, and not getting any on the floor or the toilet. I finished puking, and washed my hands, rinsed my mouth out, splashed some water on my sweaty face and returned back to my friends.
On my way out, I see the people at the table give me a dirty look. So I go back to my friends, and they ask me if I'm okay. I let them know I should be fine now. I ask my buddy at the bar for a coke, and he gives me one. No pun intended, as I've never tried it, but it's funny I mention it. So I drink my drink, and I tell my friends I'll be right back. I head towards the bathroom one more time, and this time the table of young ladies are all giving me the eyes. These aren't the "we want to F*ck You" eyes. These are the "What the F*ck is Up with this Guy?" eyes. I know what their thinking, but they really don't know. So I go into the bathroom and I proceed to unload in the bowl again. It's still not a pretty sight. Someone comes in and hears me. Asks if I'm OK, and I tell him, "nothing a little praying won't cure." He laughs and heads out. He didn't wash his hands I thought to myself. Dirty bugger. I finish up, and same thing, wash hands, rinse mouth out with water, and splash water on sweaty face. Dry off, and head out. But by now I'm sure I look like Rick James circa 1982. These girls look totally disgusted now, and I just chuckle. I just want to tell them I'm not doing coke. I'm just getting sick. But I let the charade go on.
I get back to my friends and they tell me I don't look good and ask if I want to leave. So, I said sure. We paid my buddy and left him a little something extra for the effort. On my way out, my bartender friend asks me if I'll be okay, and I let him know I'm done with Chartreuse. I'll see him soon. We head outside, and part our ways. I walked back to my office. Through the Boston Common and the Public Garden. Up the Commonwealth Ave mall back to my office. The fresh air felt good, and it was helping me to sober up a bit. At this point, I knew I couldn't drive home. So I got back to the office, grabbed my things, and took the train back to my stop. Now I didn't realize I wasn't going to be able to catch my normal bus from the train station to my house. So I was stuck having to take a cab the 2.8 miles across town to my house. Little did I realize the cab ride was going to cost me just as much as if I had taken it from Boston. After a round about ride. I told the driver Tommy, that we were going a round about way to get me home. So we finally arrive and the meter reads $24. I was shocked and Gave the guy $25 for the effort and the ass raping.
So that was the night I was introduced to Chartreuse, and I horrified some ladies into thinking I was doing coke in the bathroom.
-Joe Nicholas
I hope you enjoyed this story. Please leave any feedback you'd like.
The green fairy won another round. When are you coming back for round two?
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